Staring at a Car Crash

Wow. What I won't do for a great concert.

Paper route is killer anyways, but I find ways to make it even harder...

So last night, AMAZING show: Hazel & Vine, Sleep for Sleepers, Abandon Kansas, Children 18:3. Unmissable, right?

Well, most people are surprised to hear this (though they know I do a paper route from about 1-5:30 in the morning), but I do the paper route every. day. And during the week, I catch a couple of hours of sleep before going to work in the elementary school. Well, yesterday was no different. I figured I'd catch a couple winks after work and before the concert, then maybe even a few after.

My body had much different plans. Something happens when I get excited for a break from the monotonous: sleep isn't so easy. Eating isn't so easy. Being excited, for me, is dangerous. But I can't stop and I don't want to and I don't have a problem and no I won't go to any center and I can stop whenever I want....LOL.

So basically I hung out trying to sleep from after work (3:15 p.m.) till about 5:30, saying very, VERY, strange sleep-deprived things. Check this out:

Me: This morning, when I went to get in the shower, there was this huge red bug! It looked like a spider, like, the same size, but it had six legs.

Mom: Yuck!

Me: Ya, I killed it with your Croc.

Mom: MY CROCS ARE AT YOUR HOUSE?!

I laughed for probably fifteen minutes. Does that make sense? NO. What's worse, now that I slept I still think it's a little funny. I don't know why.

So then, the David's and I went to the show. Blast. For real. I got to meet a couple of the bands at Spirit West Coast, and a couple folks actually remembered me. Sweet. And the lead singer of Abandon Kansas gave me this website where you can buy glasses for eight dollars!!! zennioptical.com. Ya. Not to mention they rocked it out. We were a bit late, so we only got to see the last two songs from Hazel & Vine, but on the way we heard the show streaming live, and they have an amazing Killer's cover. Sleep for Sleepers had a circuit blow during their performance, and didn't have time to play "Thieves & Liars", but Jamey (lead singer) pulled out his acoustic and did some praise songs while we waited for repairs. Abandon Kansas. They have a guitar player who looks and dances like Michael Jackson. I'm not kidding. Children 18:3. INCREDIBLE. I'll admit, I never really respected LeeMarie's vocals until last night. More than just yelling. She screams. She puts Flyleaf to shame. Just an amazing performance. Hope to see them back.

So, then we hit up coinstar at Walmart. I'm a little.....okay more than broke. And the paper route takes gas. Waiting for the first pay day has been horrific. I owe my mom and the bank about sixty dollars each. It's annoying working two (incredibly stressful) jobs yet being incredibly tight belted (okay, belt...I think I might have internal bleeding....) for the first whole month. What's great is that I'll get paid two days before Joshua Fest. Should there be any two day glitches...eek.

Anyway. I need to stop going off on so many different tangents.

So, by the time we got back and the David's were safely dropped off, it was close to one. The call to do the paper route would come any minute. So that's two hours of sleep to live off (not to mention the energy I spent at the concert...and dancing in front of the security camera at Walmart...What?) and only the hope of two more before work this morning. Fun stuff.

Last night, by the Grace of God, I had help on the paper route. This lady, Maria, has been staying with me and this was the second time she's helped. Much appreciated.

The only tough thing about being helped on the paper route, is that I can't sing. Usually singing (loudly) along with the radio or a cd is the most affective way to keep to me alert. And when I have help, either they keep me alert by making conversations, or, out of their own tiredness, they don't talk at all. Unfortunately, the latter was the case last night.

My eyelids were getting heavy and my contact lenses were trying to fall of, but i kept going. Stupid, but really, what else could I do? I did the thing where you tickle the roof of your mouth with your tongue. I gave me head a good shake every once in awhile. Then, it finally happened.

"Aly! What are you sleeping or something?!"

I jerked the wheel and missed the hill I was going for. Thanks to the curvy roads, I was really only out for a split second, but it was enough to scare me and my passenger. I felt the orange Rockstar turn in my stomach and heart was beating hard. Having been in a car crash before, anxiety while driving is pretty normal. I felt it again, but this time I was grateful for it. I was wide awake the rest of the night.

Being wide awake is the best way to hear from God. I found myself wishing that I could be headed for a spiritual hill, just to hear His voice jerking me awake. My body would react and my eyes would focus.

Just like in the back of my mind, I knew I couldn't really stay fully awake all through the route last night, I know a spiritual wake up call is coming. I welcome it.

Unrequited Love

I'm addicted.

I have so many loves in my life. The obvious, perfect Love, God. Then, my family, church family, friends, dog, kids I work with. I pretty blessed.

So why is it, when I'm feeling alone or distressed, imagining the day I never have to physically be alone again (my wedding day, or really whenever my future husband comes into my life), is what I turn to for comfort? I am loved right now! This will be a special, different kind of love, but I am loved all the same.

I mean, Jesus did it. Paul did it. They lived off of God's love and the fellowship of believers. Why do I let myself imagine that that's not enough? I clearly know it is. I daily apologize to God for letting my priorities sway. However, the cycles continues.

Sometimes I get a break. Unfortunately they're all very short. The worst part is that when I imagine my life in the future, I don't imagine some nameless faceless person. I imagine actual people. Which is where the unrequited part comes in.

I am not unloved. Not even by the opposite sex. But for some reason I only daydream about the guys who probably don't even remember I exist.

It's a huge cycle and I know it is, but it doesn't stop me from talking myself into believing that whoever I happen to be "crushing" on at the moment is the right one for me. I know that if things remain unrequited (which they most likely will because I aim for nearly impossible circumstances), I will eventually lose interest and turn to someone else. With that small break in between. But that doesn't stop me from dreaming.

How is it that my dream has already come true: I am loved by the only unfallible, perfect being there is, and UNCONDITIONALLY! And here I am wanting what I don't have.

Pray for change of heart. Because right now, even if I have what I want, I won't treat him right. He'll be imperfect, and I don't treat Perfect the way that I should.

My God

My life is strange. Which, is maybe normal. But I feel strange about it.

So recently (though the entire process is life-long), I have really felt God impressing on me to use a talent he's put in me that I haven't been too eagerly seeking after using: singing.

A little over a month ago my pastor preached a sermon about using our talents and dispelling some of the myths that hold us back. It broke down every excuse I'd carried but one: affirmation. No one ever told me I could sing well (recently, anyhow). This was mainly because I never let anyone hear me sing, but I used it anyway.

Then, during Spirit West Coast, one late night on the hunt for a good place to park and sleep, I broke out a little. The lady I was with sang along with the House of Heroes cd pretty freely (and just about every other album we'd listened to over the 25+ hours in the car), and finally I was so tired, it became SING or SLEEP.

So I sang. No big deal, right? That's what girls do....right? Good, bad, ugly. Just sing. It's nothin. Besides, I doubt she paid attention anyhow.

WRONG.

The next day at the merch booth, we randomly brought up our vocal sess. to someone, and she said to me, "By the way, i wanted to tell you that I really like your voice."

DANGIT!!!

Every excuse was expelled. I was so surprised, I even shared this whole thing with my youth group, in the hopes they could start seeing the same sorts of things in their lives. God showing them what they were made to do. All the while, I didn't have much of a game plan. I didn't know where to go from there. I have nice little fantasies of actually writing and performing incredible, life-changing music all over the country (& or world), and have for most of my life, but I really didn't know how to pursue that. And that's all still in the works anyhow, so let's not jump ahead.

So this morning, I was awoken by a text message from Rachel, my pastor's wife, saying that Pastor Don had told her that I wanted to sing in the praise band and that practice is at 9:00 a.m. tomorrow.

What???

I have never said anything like this to Don. I've been much too cowardly. I've imagined a couple of times how I would like to explain to Rachel what's been going on in my heart, and see if there's a chance to do a couple things with the praise band, but I NEVER SAID IT.

Trip out.

I'm pretty sure no one reads this, but should you ever come across it and be a praying person, I would ask that you would pray for me to feel some sort of security in this. Right now I just feel chaos and uncertainty. It's clear God knows what He wants, and He's gonna have His way, I'm just afraid to invest too much of my heart into something that is such a fair chance. Especially since the only instrument I play is the piano, and I'm still just a step above beginner level. So I need prayer for all of my doubts to be expelled, because it seems like as soon as one has left, a new one appears. Thanks.

Gavin Richard

So firstly, as a follow-up to my last post, Spirit West Coast went better than I even expected. And I expected a lot. Parts of the drive up were beautiful, and (the best part) I got to hang out with Lydia! Lydia is my best friend who moved away at the beginning of June to Reno for school, and I got to spend a straight day and night with her! It was completely unplanned, but that's usually how we roll.

Driving...was scary. But we made it and I guess that's all that counts. We missed House of Heroes' set, but we got to hang with them off and on the first couple days so that made up for it. The merch booth did pretty darn good in my book and I think I could probably set up and take it down in my sleep. Met some pretty great (and some..odd...) people and I can't wait to do it again. Joshua Fest here we come!

Now, even bigger news: my brother Gavin was born this morning!!!! Hooray!!! He's so sweet. He's 9 pounds 3 ounces and is gonna be a red head. He's also got dark blue eyes that we didn't get to see until later tonight.

It's great. I can't wait till he gets a little older and I can play with him, and take him to fun kiddy things, and hear him talk, and just get to know what his personality's gonna be. It's gonna be so fun. I'm even looking forward to the teenage years.

Anticipation...It's makin' me wait.

All I can seem to think about lately is my upcoming trip to California! I have the opportunity to go to Spirit West Coast and help a local band that I've been interning for sell merchandise. I'll be going with another lady who works for them, and we leave EARLY Wednesday. I figure I'll be so excited to go, that I won't be able to sleep later than that anyway.

I know that there are so many other things I need to be concerned with, like, uh, my brother probably being born in the week after I get back! And I still have things I need to prepare for the youth group, AND I really need to give my house a good scrub down. But I can't concentrate on anything! I'm too excited!

It's just been such a long time since I've just gotten out. And though I'll still be working, this is still kind of "me time." I can't wait! And I really don't know what else to write about, because I'm just getting myself all excited. So I think I'm gonna stop now.