Unrequited Love

I'm addicted.

I have so many loves in my life. The obvious, perfect Love, God. Then, my family, church family, friends, dog, kids I work with. I pretty blessed.

So why is it, when I'm feeling alone or distressed, imagining the day I never have to physically be alone again (my wedding day, or really whenever my future husband comes into my life), is what I turn to for comfort? I am loved right now! This will be a special, different kind of love, but I am loved all the same.

I mean, Jesus did it. Paul did it. They lived off of God's love and the fellowship of believers. Why do I let myself imagine that that's not enough? I clearly know it is. I daily apologize to God for letting my priorities sway. However, the cycles continues.

Sometimes I get a break. Unfortunately they're all very short. The worst part is that when I imagine my life in the future, I don't imagine some nameless faceless person. I imagine actual people. Which is where the unrequited part comes in.

I am not unloved. Not even by the opposite sex. But for some reason I only daydream about the guys who probably don't even remember I exist.

It's a huge cycle and I know it is, but it doesn't stop me from talking myself into believing that whoever I happen to be "crushing" on at the moment is the right one for me. I know that if things remain unrequited (which they most likely will because I aim for nearly impossible circumstances), I will eventually lose interest and turn to someone else. With that small break in between. But that doesn't stop me from dreaming.

How is it that my dream has already come true: I am loved by the only unfallible, perfect being there is, and UNCONDITIONALLY! And here I am wanting what I don't have.

Pray for change of heart. Because right now, even if I have what I want, I won't treat him right. He'll be imperfect, and I don't treat Perfect the way that I should.